Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dirty Laundry

Everybody's got it.
Does anyone understand how straight up SPOOKY it is to be in the car having an argument with your fiance when suddenly the wedding song you danced to with your late husband comes on the radio? It was like he was trying to intervene, or maybe to tell me he's sill here for me.
When my heart is all twisted up and I get that pain in my chest, the pain of heart ache, I never know what to do with myself. Usually I find myself curled up in the fetal position crying on my bed or my couch. I don't know what to do anymore. It's overwhelming. That's when I start to think there is no way out of this mess. Ever. This is my moment of weakness. Everyone has them. Oprah has them, and that means everyone has them. I don't do well with changes. I move up to NC, and have a breakdown. Can hardly get through a day of classes for fear of failing- and that is exactly what happened. I worried about it and sent it out into the universe so much that it actually happened. Good job, S. Right now my head is going through verses of negative self-talk. You idiot. What were you thinking. This is all your fault. How did you think this was going to happen with  no family around? Just forget it. You can't do anything right. Part of this is stress and part or most of it relates to depression (I think). When you get to the edge of the well and you're standing there trying to decide whether or not to jump, merely putting a toe over the side can send you tumbling down the dark abyss. It's too easy to give up. That's not what I'm made of. I'm the one who will do over and over and over again until something makes me stop. My middle name is tenacious. Not really. It's Elizabeth. Or am I mistaking tenacity for stupidity? I don't know. Life and conviction has led me HERE for some reason. Here I am. What will you do with me, God?

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