Monday, February 3, 2014


It is amazing to me how you can live with someone in the same house (such as your spouse) and not know everything about them. Knowing someone requires communication. Just because you live together does not mean you will automatically maintain intimacy in your relationship.

R. and I were both introverts. I did not know, as I do now, that this can be a bad combination for a marriage. We tend to keep things inside, internalizing it all, until one day it comes blasting out like a volcano. Volcanoes are not good for marriages. They start fires all over the place. This is a dangerous place for a relationship. Too much internalizing, not enough communication can let someone slip through the cracks of mental health. This is one of the reason's why R's death was such a shock. I knew that he was depressed, however, I did not know just how low he had sunk.

One of my mistakes was that I stopped expressing my feelings. The less I expressed my feelings, the more difficult it became to do it. Even the most typical spousal issues (sharing of chores, finances, etc...) were hard for me to put into words. I came to a point where I would try to put it into the simplest most basic sentence I could come up with, such as: I do not like it when ________________ .

The point is, we were both keeping our thoughts and feelings inside to save each other the stress of an argument. But, this backfired completely. It caused more stress for us to hold everything inside and pretend like things were okay, than to have an uncomfortable discussion. As time passed on, we grew further apart due to our busy everyday lives and not making time for our relationship. Soon I didn't know how R. felt about anything. I didn't recognize him anymore. Who was this irritable, angry person? This was not the person I married. And I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I felt that I had turned into a different person, and I was not pleased with myself. I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving R. The guilt that comes with death cannot stay.

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