Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Recurring Dreams

Today is my son's birthday. This is his second birthday without his Daddy. I can't help but think of R today. He is missing this. I bought my son his first basketball  hoop. I tried hard as I could, but could not physically get it together by myself. It reminds me of when we bought our son a trampoline for Christmas and were up until 2 am Christmas Eve putting it together. That was a two-man job for sure and also a pleasant memory for me now. These thoughts have been mostly fleeting, until this afternoon. Coming out of a store and walking to my car, I was nearly brought to my knees with flashbacks, both visual and auditory. My heart started to beat faster while my stomach had a horrible sinking feeling; the kind of feeling you get when you know something bad has happened. Mommy why is daddy hanging in the garage I kept hearing; me screaming his name. I could see him there, eyes closed, looking like he was sleeping, mid-air. Perhaps it might have been provoked by this milestone for my son. Apparently, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays can trigger these sorts of things. But I woke up so happy for my son this morning that I thought I would be just fine. Earlier today I was digging around in R's old tool bag, which still retains the faint smell of our garage. Maybe that was the trigger.

Perhaps my psyche was trying to warn me last night when I had a nightmare about a tornado. This is a recurring dream I have when I am right in the middle of something big, an internal conflict - something that I am trying to find peace with. The dream goes like this: I am walking somewhere or arguing with someone when suddenly a tornado is visible in the distance, or a TV news anchor is shouting to take cover. Panic ensues as I try desperately to find a safe place to go while the tornado goes over me. When I find this spot, it is never perfect. But eventually I have to stay there because I run out of time. I brace myself for impact. I can hear whirling, racing wind outside as it comes close, and it either misses me altogether or passes "through" my hiding spot and I come away with not so much as a scratch. The interpretation of this dream (if you believe in such things) is fairly obvious to me: things may be bad right now, and you might be scared, but you will come through the other side unscathed.

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