Monday, February 17, 2014

Somber vs. Happy

I don't want to grieve anymore. I don't want to think about it anymore. I am tired of working on it. I want to work on something else. Grief is hard work. It is draining. My life outside of this tragedy is finally going pretty well. I'm happy and hopeful for the future; the door to a personal dream I have had all my life seems to be opening up to me. I want to remain happy and energized- I don't want to think about the death of my husband all the time. And I don't have to. Did you hear that? I don't have to! What a horrible way to live, thinking about death all of the time. R would never have wanted that for me. I'll say something quite controversial here: screw what R would have wanted for me. I am not living out his life or his dreams, I am living out my own. This is my life, my time table, and no one else has a say in the matter except for me. I will not apologize for being me, or for being happy. And THAT is what R wants for me.

The problem with being a widow, particularly a young one, is that you are carefully scrutinized. Our culture expects you to be somber all the time. Our culture does not accept non-traditional grieving, grieving without tears, too much or too little- if you don't do it the exact right way, something is "wrong."

Tragedy such as this opens you up and makes you vulnerable. There is no energy left over for putting on a facade. This has been one of the greatest gifts to me. I have finally become my own person. I found myself. I found connection to my own spirit I have never had before. I truly believe God has somehow turned a horrible thing into something good. As humans we can never understand how this is possible. But I don't question it, I just keep believing.

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