This morning I have been reading Women Living Well, by Courtney Joseph. She talks about how to balance life as a Christian woman. I have been reading about how she had a hard time figuring out how to balance being a good wife in the beginning of her marriage while supporting her husband finishing school. She goes on to say she figured it out, mostly by letting go of being perfect. While that is wonderful for her, I sit here listening to my son slurp his cereal with his headphones on, in my crappy rental condo with the horrible smell I cannot get out of the carpet, and piles of STUFF all over the place because I am too busy with my part-time job that takes full-time work, to clean it up. I.AM.TIRED. I am exhausted from trying to survive everyday. I can comprehend why R became so overwhelmed that he needed a desperate escape, but will never understand how he could follow through with it.
Yesterday was Halloween and today I just need a break from my son. Some time to myself. But I cannot get it. I have no one here to take over for me. So when I read about how perfect someone else's home life is, I am so envious it brings me to tears. It's all I want to be able to stop surviving day to day, and focus on being a good wife and mother. I want a family again. That sounds like a dream come true. But that's not my reality and I am pissed off about it. I didn't ask for this. I didn't expect to be a single parent.
"Don't you have family around that could help you out?" People ask.
No. No, I don't. Because I am an idiot. I moved here knowing no one, which I thought was quite adventurous of me. It was definitely what you would call an adventure, with all the ups and downs. But, I was also desperate to get away from all the memories and triggers of the place where the 3 of us were a family. Everywhere I went was a memory of some kind. I lived with all of that for a year after his death.
Sometimes it is so difficult to be grateful. Today is one of those days. I'm going to start really simple just to start somewhere.
I am thankful for a place to live.
I am thankful for the food we have in our kitchen.
I am thankful for a beautiful child.
I am thankful for supportive parents.
I am thankful for re-discovering a wonderful man.
I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for my church family and all of their support.
I am thankful that my body is intact and I am a healthy person.
I'm already starting to change my attitude. Buck up, S! Life is not over.
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