Sunday, April 27, 2014

Chocolate Cake

Last week I went to the town where R and I lived. It's always hard driving past the places where there are memories. Curiosity got a hold of me and I had to drive past our old house, or "the sad house" as my son calls it. This is where we used to live. Where we started out lives together, built a family. I have already said good-bye to the house over a year ago. But it has been vacant for a long time. Finally, someone bought it. There is life in that house again and I was suprised at how glad I was to see it that way. I assumed I would feel more possessive about someone living in "our house." But, no. I was not. I was relieved to see pink flowers hanging from the black iron on the front porch and someone's Volvo in the driveway. There is life in that house again, and that is a wonderful thing.
Afterwards, I went to the cemetery. I had a giant slice of chocolate cake leftover from my earlier lunch, so I decided I would sit on the bench at his gravesite and eat it. It was really a beautiful day. Very peaceful at the cemetery. I had some solitude, and some chocolate cake with R. I sat crossed-legged for a while and a leaf came down and smack-landed right on the center of my foot. Hello, R. 
Wait. Is that you? Maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe it's just a leaf falling. But why then does that happen everytime I come here? Ok. If it's you, then do it again. Nah. That's stupid. What am I doing. Just send me a sign if you are here. Still stupid! Shut-up S. 
I continued to indulge in my cake and not five minutes later a little darning needle came flitting about. This is not the first time this has happened. I saw him flying around my feet and smiled. Silly little thing. Then, SMACK another leaf hit me in the center of the foot. This may sound crazy to some- but these are the types of little games we play to keep our relationship going. He's still there. We still have a relationship, but it's different now.