Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dirty Laundry

Everybody's got it.
Does anyone understand how straight up SPOOKY it is to be in the car having an argument with your fiance when suddenly the wedding song you danced to with your late husband comes on the radio? It was like he was trying to intervene, or maybe to tell me he's sill here for me.
When my heart is all twisted up and I get that pain in my chest, the pain of heart ache, I never know what to do with myself. Usually I find myself curled up in the fetal position crying on my bed or my couch. I don't know what to do anymore. It's overwhelming. That's when I start to think there is no way out of this mess. Ever. This is my moment of weakness. Everyone has them. Oprah has them, and that means everyone has them. I don't do well with changes. I move up to NC, and have a breakdown. Can hardly get through a day of classes for fear of failing- and that is exactly what happened. I worried about it and sent it out into the universe so much that it actually happened. Good job, S. Right now my head is going through verses of negative self-talk. You idiot. What were you thinking. This is all your fault. How did you think this was going to happen with  no family around? Just forget it. You can't do anything right. Part of this is stress and part or most of it relates to depression (I think). When you get to the edge of the well and you're standing there trying to decide whether or not to jump, merely putting a toe over the side can send you tumbling down the dark abyss. It's too easy to give up. That's not what I'm made of. I'm the one who will do over and over and over again until something makes me stop. My middle name is tenacious. Not really. It's Elizabeth. Or am I mistaking tenacity for stupidity? I don't know. Life and conviction has led me HERE for some reason. Here I am. What will you do with me, God?

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Living With PTSD

This is what it's like to have a flashback, if it even does it any justice:
I'm sitting on the couch watching a cartoon with my son and I happen to look at the light coming in through the window. I notice the time on the clock. It's 6:35 pm, just about the time I got home with my son, just before we found R hanging in the garage. I haven't had a flashback in a month or so, and that is an improvement. I remember. I have visuals. Opening the door to the darkness and seeing him there. My stomach fills with butterflies and panic squeezes my chest. All of the panic I felt that day comes back. The not knowing. The confusion. The damned cell phone battery that had 10% left in it when this began right when I needed to make about a million phone calls. The feeling of isolation. I was there by myself with my young child. And until I called my parents, no one knew what was going on. Everyone was just going on about their daily lives, meanwhile mine was being turned upside down and inside out. Changed forever. I close my eyes in the hopes of making it go away. However, my therapist says I should let it come, and then let it go. So I do. I let the visuals come and then leave; I let the connected feelings come and then go. And then I have to get up and do something else to take my mind away from this horrible place. So I sit here and tell you about it, in the hopes that it may strike a chord with someone else, help in some way.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Walking Through Water

As I walk down the isle once again, my legs feel heavy like they are trudging through water knee-deep. This is where we were married, and now it is so still and dark. The silence is deafening. I remember how happy a day it was for everyone. Who could've known what was to come in such a short period of time. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Oh Dread

Today the steam got blown out of me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears, again. It's been a while. But there they were. At the end of the day when I can't take it anymore, that is a common time for me to cry. Alone. I'm not the kind of person who likes to cry in front of everyone. So, when I am alone that's when the tears come. It's funny how I knew this would happen. I would have a bit of a "let down" after all these good days. I start to feel out of control and my mind has dark thoughts. Like flashes of hurting myself. Not like I want to, but just a flash. What would it be like if everything I cared about today was just suddenly gone? Nothing would matter to me. Much like R's tragedy has completely changed my perspective on the many things and stressors of life. Priorities change. Material things mean almost nothing. They more a symbol than anything else. Crap, crap, and more crap we all want to have. It all means nothing. You cannot take it with you when you die. What can you take? Love. Faith. Relationships. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


Sometimes I want to go to his grave site, jump up and down on it and yell, "YOU.ARE.NOT.SUPPOSED.TO.BE.HERE!!!"  Over and over again until he comes back to life. You were so young, you idiot! You had your whole life to live!
But I just sit there under the huge oak tree, the breeze and the birds chirping. It's quiet.
When will he comeback? 
Any minute now? 
He is gone.

A few nights ago I had a nightmare. I woke myself up from yelling and I was drenched in sweat. I had been screaming, "Get out!!! Get out of here!!! You are not allowed to be here!!!" Ghosts had invaded my house and would not leave. I have heard that you must do this if you want spirits to leave your premises. You have to tell them to leave, there is nothing for them where you are residing. I can guess that the house is my "new life" that I have been forced to find. And that I do not want these "ghosts" of grief to follow me or haunt me anymore. Unfortunately, they will linger. Maybe not be visible all the time. They will make themselves known sometimes. I do not want them to ruin my hopefulness. Stay away! Things in my life are feeling normal -whatever that means. I have a purpose. As each day passes it is further and further from that awful day and makes it less intense.

So I dream about Tornadoes and Ghosts. What do you dream about?