Sunday, June 28, 2015

A Ton of Bricks

Grief can come on so unexpectedly and hit like a ton of bricks, right in the heart.

This morning my son and I finally became members of the church we have been attending for 2 years. I was very happy during the service feeling very welcomed. It was a gorgeous day outside and we drove home with the windows down, music turned up.

I started to make our lunch and heartache grew and grew in my chest. I kept preparing lunch, but felt like I was on the verge of tears. What is wrong with me? My son grabbed his plate and went into the living room to eat in front of the TV. I didn't bother to protest. I started to eat my sandwich and about half way through the heartache became too much and the tears rolled down my face. Why am I crying? Why am I hurting so bad? What is going on with me? Am I lonely? I'm happy for this thing that has happened, but have no one to celebrate with? Was it a trigger? I grab a box of tissues and go curl up in my bed. Here we go again...

Then I thought- the last time I joined a church, R and I did this together. He actually converted from Catholicism to Lutheranism which was one of the most loving things anyone has ever done for me. And now he's gone. That person that loved me that much, is gone. I know he still loves me from Heaven. But all I can think is that I need love - right now. I need to be loved. I need to know that I am special to someone and cherished. I want to have that again. I want to share my life with someone. Just a couple of months ago I had resigned myself to the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life (...all the single ladies put your hands up...). It'll just be me and my son, and I'll try to give him as many wonderful experiences as I can. But I don't think I am made for that. How could God put so much love in me only to have no where to go with it? I NEED to give it away. NEED to. Have to. I can't keep it all to myself.

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