Corners

I moved to North Carolina in August. Here it is 5 months later and I still have some boxes sitting around my place that have not been emptied or sorted through. The condition of my stuff within my living space is a mirror image of the "stuff" in my head. There are places that are clean and organized, and there are corners and particular spots that need to be sorted out. Some of it is useful. Some of it is garbage. Some of it needs to be shredded into teeny tiny little pieces never to be seen again by anyone. I have waited, saved these boxes and piles of papers for later because I have not had the energy to deal with them. My goal is to get through a little each day. Whatever I can handle.

I am afraid of some of the "stuff" that is in these boxes. I am afraid it will make me feel, and then if I feel something so powerful it will consume me. These boxes hold memories and with memories comes emotions. What do I do with them all? My previous tactic of pushing them away did not work, because here I am, dealing with them. They will re-surface and re-surface until you deal with it. I cannot fool myself with self-talk saying, 
- I'm okay! I really am! I am fine! See how I got through this? 
- Well, Sarah, how DID you get through it? 
- Umm... I don't know...
- That's cause you didn't yet.

Let the emotions come, let them go. If I get lost in my memories and thoughts for a while, it's okay. It will not consume me. I will come back to myself again. Don't be afraid to feel. Sadness can be okay. It will not consume me. It will not dictate the rest of my life. Don't be afraid to feel. Feeling emotions makes you honest with yourself. You cannot know what you really think if you do not let yourself feel. Make your emotions your friends. You can sit with them without being afraid. They are not monsters. You have control of the party. You say when tea time is over and there is nothing more to discuss. Don't be afraid to feel. Let it in and let it go.

The boxes I have here are not even the bulk of what I have to sort through. Because as soon as I get through these, I have 15 more waiting for me at my parent's house and a storage garage full of items to deal with. It is daunting and scary. I can stand in the middle of the room just looking at the boxes and feel over-whelmed. They are full of questions: What do I do with this? What do I do with that? Should I keep it? Would someone else want it? Would my son want it? Should I donate it? Will I regret giving it away later? Would R. want me to keep it? All these questions create fear and anxiety in me. It helps to remember that they are THINGS. Material things. Love has nothing to do with material items. I believe love is the only energy that transcends everything. And if that is so, then R. would not care what I keep and don't keep. A simple truth remains that the longer I wait to deal with my stuff, the longer it will take for me to find peace.