Thursday, May 22, 2014
Will I Ever Be Normal Again
Today is one of those days that I don't want to leave my apartment, much less the couch. I am tired. I get tired a lot. My son is at school and I miss him tremendously. I NEED to go to the grocery store, but I just cannot get myself to go. Later, I keep telling myself. It seems like every few days I need a break. I have to re-collect myself. I wonder if I will ever be normal again. Would I be able to handle a "normal" job? Of course, I'm not really the type of person who likes a traditional job. I did that for 2 years and I hated it. I don't want to have to think about this tragedy today, but it will not leave my mind. There is usually a trigger of some sort and I always like to figure out what it is so I can be prepared for the next time. But it's really impossible to know every trigger. Sometimes it is the most minute thing. However, today was "Daddy's Day" at my son's school. My fiance went to spend this little celebration with him; and I am grateful for that. I'm just so sad for my baby; he is so little. What is it like to grow up without a father? I have no idea. I grew up with mine and he is still alive. I don't know how to make it better for him. And I can't. It's over, done. There is no going back in time to fix it. I just try to help him through the best that I can, stumbling along the way. While I go to his therapy sessions, it pains me to see how hurt he is and that he cannot express his feelings with words. This week he scribbled really fast and hard on paper and made grunting noises as if he were angry. That is one way he can get it out. As an adult I am able to talk and write about it. But, truly sometimes I cannot talk about it, I don't know what to say. It's hard for me to express what I am feeling about it sometimes. This is how I feel right now: sad, mad, tired, depressed. What in the hell were you thinking R? How could you be so impulsive and leave your son like that?